Saturday, 12 January 2013

The Start

The Start,

I dont know if i have a diagnosable mental helath condition which is biological or if the issues i have are a result of the trauma which i have been through.

I dont really like people very much and have little tollerence for what i belive to be idiots and moronic fools. Saying that i do have some fantastic and wonderfull friends and my family mean the world to me.

I have always known that im  little bit different to other people and have always struggeled to identify with their emotional processes and needs. I stuggel with empathy and see the world from a very black and white stance. I dont like the grey areas they confuse me and make me paranoyd. I like things to be simple and easy- clear and manageable- organised and with yes or no answers. I dont like the things in the middle, they make me feel that i have no controll and this stresses me out beond belife.

I am emotionaly needy- like a child an 11 year old child to be honest- this is where the problems started- i think- well as far as i can remember. But i could be wrong because i dont remember befor then.

I was rapped. Its not a nice word and thats not how i like to refer to it. I like to call it 'What Happened', this make it easier for me. I personaly do not identify with this thing, the emotions i have as a result are not my own and i feel as though i am two or three different people. I dont have split personalities and i do not hear voices. I use different ways to describe things which may make it sound like i have these things but i assure you i dont.

I did not deal with 'what happened' infact i did not tell anyone untill i was 15. I was a horrable child, the sort that others look at and think humm i glad shes not mine. I messed up at school- i just didnt go it was boring the teachers didnt engage me so i messed up.

I have been in a few abussive relationships which involved physical and phycological abuse. At the time i thought this was all i deserved and that i was worth nothing more than this. I eventially found the courage to leave and have never looked back since. However the experiances have also impacted on my mental health and have engrained self hatered and loathing, feelings of not being good enough and imence self doubt into my core.

Then i met this bloke well he blew my mind, he is the most amasing man i have ever come across in my life. I love him, I love him to the core he blows my mind. My one true love. This man made me feel safe to be ill so i was I had a breakdown and have been very ill. He was there for me, when i was to scared to leave the house he came home on his lunch break and held me. I dont know how id live without him. But i have to- he left me just befor christmas. Just after my mum was diagnosed with breast and womb cancer. So last year pritty much sucked. It was the pits. Ive lost my home because i couldnt afford to stay there, lost my best friend, the love of my life, and my mum is really ill. All while recovering from a big breakdown. Its sucks and its hard but i still get up every morning, somewhere deep deep inside of me something is still holding on and im still fighting.

I will not be broken.................

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