Monday, 14 January 2013

Mood Swings

I seem to constantly flit between emotional states. one minet im happy the next i feel like my whole world is falling apart. Its exhausting!!
Its getting to the point where even other people notice. I was talking to a friend yesterday we were sending messages to each other for several hours, after a while he commented that my moods were all over the place and i was up and down like a yoyo. I didnt really think anything of it at the time but when i went to bed i was thinking about it and i figure it must be getting worse if someone notices through messages then that cant be good.
I think its always been the same im up and down like a yoyo. I can be sat having a laugh and a joke messing around, perfectly happy and then the next thing i know im crying my eyes out totaly inconsolable. Then the next thing i know im fine again. Its not like anything happens in the mean time to change how im feeling i just go off all by myself.  I cant even control it, it does make me feel rather hopeless and to be honest quiet pathetic.
Its at the point where i dont even know if im coping anymore because im confident i am but then bang im so far from copping its unreall and then maybe im getting there slowly. When i speak to my phycologist about this she says she confused and of course my response is "you think your confused, try spending ten min in my mind and then see how you feel", this just frustrates me even more. If even the proffesional is confused what the bloody hell am i ment to do!!!!

 I just wish that someone some where could explain to me why i dont have a consistant thought in my mind. Its making me crazy i could pull my hair out but by the time ive finished this post ill be over it!

Its just not fair i would love to feel the same way for like a hour!!!!

But then i guess theres no point in getting myself worked up its never going to change, some peoples mind just are not the same as others. Maybe im over analysing and its the same for everyone. I just feel abit helpless and issolated. I dont want to wine or moan just get it off my chest so i can stop thinking about it.

Fingers crossed lol xxxx

Saturday, 12 January 2013

The Stigma of Mental Health

So we all know that its not really seen as OK to be mentally ill.
Society is not very accepting when it comes to accepting things that don't fit into a box.

Its real though being mentally ill is not nice. You cant run away from it and everyone just thinks your crazy, insane, weak minded, pathetic blah blah blah, all total rubbish.

If you are epileptic then you don't hide it when you have a job interview, how many people with this type of illness would actually tell there employer on the application form that yes actually i do have a health problem which effects me everyday. Not many!
But why not- being mentally ill does not make you a bad person, it doesn't mean that you cant do a job. OK for some its worse than others some require more support than others, but isn't this true with any illness or ailment??

If you take a tablet to control your blood pressure- this is fine
If you take a tablet to control you blood sugar levels- this is fine


If you take an anti-psychotic or an anti-depressant - woooohhhh you want to be careful taking them, there bad for you!!!
again total rubbish.

If you have an illness that can be controlled by medication then surely you should take it and not feel like there is some kind of enormous issue and that really only the week would take it. You wouldn't call an asthmatic weak because they need an inhaler- whats the difference.

I mean OK i know all of these things, so why does the fact i have a mental health problem make me feel like such an epic failure. I personally don't take my medication because it makes me sleep and i feel that i cannot live my life when i'm sedated. But if i wanted to take it then who is anyone else to make me feel like some kind of failure for doing so! This of course all feeds into my paranoia and my inability to be accepting of others. Its just narrow minded and well pathetic. Everyone judges everyone else but like they say 'he with out sin cast the first stone' and all that jazz. No one is perfect and really should just keep their mouths shut when its in relation to something they clearly don't have an understanding of.

I think that mental illness is interesting. It makes people do things, say things and feel things that others do not, If you actually look into its fascinating, amassing, mesmerising, just how complex the human brain is. Why do we do what we do? why do we think what we think? why do we feel what we feel? so many questions with so many possible answers. Although id rather not actually have it.

I understand the concepts i think, i know why i do the odd things i do, i know why i feel the way i do, i understand the concepts of what causes this imbalance in my brain. I can support others in their hour of need. But i cant help myself. Frustrating is an understatement. When im in the midst of an episode hiding underneath a bed for hours, unable to move, talk or acknowledge the people running around searching for me im stuck, i cant stop, i cant hear my rational voice the 'mother' of my mind telling me to get up and say its OK im hear. But the inner child, the scared lost lonely little girl takes over. She is a defiant little cow and she rules the roost! Once she takes over that's it, all ration thought and feeling is gone- im removed from my own person and this child is released. It scares the absolute shit out of me. But that's another story and really has no relation whats so ever to Stigma :)

About the Mind blog - Mind

About the Mind blog - Mind

Rather Angry and Frustrated

I have a new phycollogist bless her she lovelly,

however she breaks out into hives when i try and talk to her about my "issues"

i think she is intimidated, and always tells me to visualise a safe place in my mind. I accept that this may work for others however for me its near on impossable. Ive tryed so so hard to visualise somewhere safe- the problem is i dont feel unsafe and therefor find it impossable.

Im angry, angry angry ANGRY. Im past taking this anger out on my self which of course is good for me however not so good for others, as now im angry with them. Not for any reason other than i just genrally find the rest of the worlds population to be absolute moronic fools who think something as small as a cat getting a tumor is something to become 'depressed' about. this makes me flipping crazy angry. I mean i know that its sad if your cat dies but come on for reall???? I thats the best reason you have for being deppressed you clearly are a total reject.

Everyone is so bloody quick to say oh im deppressed my life is so terable without any reall idear of what it is actually like to wake up every day wishing you were dead! not being able to find a reason that anyone or anything could possablie even attempt to like let alone love you because of how dispicable you really are, the sespit that runs through your soul. the shear effort that it takes to smile because you really feel no need or reason to want to smile, i dont even want to get get out of bed let alone go around telling people how pathetic and obismal i feel because THEY DONT UNDERSTAND being deppressed is not some sort of cry for attention an 'oh look how terrable my life it' its an emotional state cause by chemicals. and i hate my chemicals, these chemicals are the bain of my life. my emotions are the voices that scream inside my mind. the overwheeelming noise in my brain wherling around and around never stopping its like there is a rave inside my mind and everyone there is shouting at me but i cant hear them because there all shouting louder and louder trying to get my attentions the base in the music is so loud its destorted and crakerling. the lights are flashing on and off and people are screaming. I just want osme peace and quiet. This is now making me angry and frustrated.

I quiet ofeten envisage myself telling everyone what i really think of there patheticness- but i dont

I quiet often envisage killing someone slapping them puching them kicking them- but i dont

But i want to and i am now getting to the point where actually i can feel this rage burning inside me. its pleading with me, begging me. stroking my inner childs hair promising to give her sweeties if i let him out. Hes evil really evil his face is twisted and contorted he has bumps on his head an ugly repulsive creature and hes begging to come out and play. everyday the little girl inside gets more tempted to let him out his cage and i am becoming conserened that soon he will win because im so full and tired i want to be free from it. the problem is i know what will happen when he comes out- and i dont want to be that person again, so how do i regain controll and banish the anger and the demon that touchers my soul????

The Start

The Start,

I dont know if i have a diagnosable mental helath condition which is biological or if the issues i have are a result of the trauma which i have been through.

I dont really like people very much and have little tollerence for what i belive to be idiots and moronic fools. Saying that i do have some fantastic and wonderfull friends and my family mean the world to me.

I have always known that im  little bit different to other people and have always struggeled to identify with their emotional processes and needs. I stuggel with empathy and see the world from a very black and white stance. I dont like the grey areas they confuse me and make me paranoyd. I like things to be simple and easy- clear and manageable- organised and with yes or no answers. I dont like the things in the middle, they make me feel that i have no controll and this stresses me out beond belife.

I am emotionaly needy- like a child an 11 year old child to be honest- this is where the problems started- i think- well as far as i can remember. But i could be wrong because i dont remember befor then.

I was rapped. Its not a nice word and thats not how i like to refer to it. I like to call it 'What Happened', this make it easier for me. I personaly do not identify with this thing, the emotions i have as a result are not my own and i feel as though i am two or three different people. I dont have split personalities and i do not hear voices. I use different ways to describe things which may make it sound like i have these things but i assure you i dont.

I did not deal with 'what happened' infact i did not tell anyone untill i was 15. I was a horrable child, the sort that others look at and think humm i glad shes not mine. I messed up at school- i just didnt go it was boring the teachers didnt engage me so i messed up.

I have been in a few abussive relationships which involved physical and phycological abuse. At the time i thought this was all i deserved and that i was worth nothing more than this. I eventially found the courage to leave and have never looked back since. However the experiances have also impacted on my mental health and have engrained self hatered and loathing, feelings of not being good enough and imence self doubt into my core.

Then i met this bloke well he blew my mind, he is the most amasing man i have ever come across in my life. I love him, I love him to the core he blows my mind. My one true love. This man made me feel safe to be ill so i was I had a breakdown and have been very ill. He was there for me, when i was to scared to leave the house he came home on his lunch break and held me. I dont know how id live without him. But i have to- he left me just befor christmas. Just after my mum was diagnosed with breast and womb cancer. So last year pritty much sucked. It was the pits. Ive lost my home because i couldnt afford to stay there, lost my best friend, the love of my life, and my mum is really ill. All while recovering from a big breakdown. Its sucks and its hard but i still get up every morning, somewhere deep deep inside of me something is still holding on and im still fighting.

I will not be broken.................