however she breaks out into hives when i try and talk to her about my "issues"
i think she is intimidated, and always tells me to visualise a safe place in my mind. I accept that this may work for others however for me its near on impossable. Ive tryed so so hard to visualise somewhere safe- the problem is i dont feel unsafe and therefor find it impossable.
Im angry, angry angry ANGRY. Im past taking this anger out on my self which of course is good for me however not so good for others, as now im angry with them. Not for any reason other than i just genrally find the rest of the worlds population to be absolute moronic fools who think something as small as a cat getting a tumor is something to become 'depressed' about. this makes me flipping crazy angry. I mean i know that its sad if your cat dies but come on for reall???? I thats the best reason you have for being deppressed you clearly are a total reject.
Everyone is so bloody quick to say oh im deppressed my life is so terable without any reall idear of what it is actually like to wake up every day wishing you were dead! not being able to find a reason that anyone or anything could possablie even attempt to like let alone love you because of how dispicable you really are, the sespit that runs through your soul. the shear effort that it takes to smile because you really feel no need or reason to want to smile, i dont even want to get get out of bed let alone go around telling people how pathetic and obismal i feel because THEY DONT UNDERSTAND being deppressed is not some sort of cry for attention an 'oh look how terrable my life it' its an emotional state cause by chemicals. and i hate my chemicals, these chemicals are the bain of my life. my emotions are the voices that scream inside my mind. the overwheeelming noise in my brain wherling around and around never stopping its like there is a rave inside my mind and everyone there is shouting at me but i cant hear them because there all shouting louder and louder trying to get my attentions the base in the music is so loud its destorted and crakerling. the lights are flashing on and off and people are screaming. I just want osme peace and quiet. This is now making me angry and frustrated.
I quiet ofeten envisage myself telling everyone what i really think of there patheticness- but i dont
I quiet often envisage killing someone slapping them puching them kicking them- but i dont
But i want to and i am now getting to the point where actually i can feel this rage burning inside me. its pleading with me, begging me. stroking my inner childs hair promising to give her sweeties if i let him out. Hes evil really evil his face is twisted and contorted he has bumps on his head an ugly repulsive creature and hes begging to come out and play. everyday the little girl inside gets more tempted to let him out his cage and i am becoming conserened that soon he will win because im so full and tired i want to be free from it. the problem is i know what will happen when he comes out- and i dont want to be that person again, so how do i regain controll and banish the anger and the demon that touchers my soul????